What a weekend.
A lot of ups and downs. Met 2 good friends for breakfast yesterday and then spent the afternoon with 2 of my sisters, plus my nephew and his family. Saw friends in a play last night and I leave on vacation in a week.
All good things.
I had two -- eye openers or milestones. I was talking to John about my mom; we're getting close to the 2nd anniversary of losing her. I thought out loud about if it was possible to go back in time, what I'd say to my mom and dad before they got married. Then I joked that maybe I'd just go find John at 19 and jump his bones. He answered, why would he at 19 want a woman of my age.
My age has been really surreal the last few years. It doesn't feel connected to me at all; it's like if I said I was 98. It's just nothing to do with me. But when I thought about what John said and took a look at myself in the mirror, really looked at myself, I realized he's right. I'm nothing for the young; I got caught up into being another middle aged woman who can't face what she is and tries to be what's she not.
Today, I was going to clean and start getting ready for the vacation, maybe put a few shirts into the camper. (I'm also now trying to figure out if the clothes are packed are too young. I'm glad I didn't get new shorts after all.) I got a call from my friend Becky. I knew they were moving to Texas and I hate the thought of not seeing them. Well, here they're moving in a couple days! My only chance to really spend time with little Sophia again was today.
I'm so upset. I love that kid. She's made me her "Auntie Erin" and I really looked forward to watching her grow up. I've known her since she was a few weeks old when she was getting over colic and I rocked her to sleep, humming the lullaby my family sang to me, and whispering to her. Now I won't see her grow up, maybe not see her face light up when she sees me or watch her run to me with arms outstretched calling my name.
Of course we say we'll get together again. I hope we will, but I remember great friends of my parents who were like an aunt and uncle to me: Uncle Paul and Aunt Kittie. Wonderful people; everyone said they'd stay close when we moved to South Jersey. I haven't seen them since I was 7 or 8. So...
So Sophia and I went to the movies, then to Build a Bear where I got her a zsu-zsu pet, a hamster. I gave her change to throw into the fountain and make wishes, and she asked me could we do this again the next time we came there. She forgot that she was moving. I choked up a few times, but didn't let her see it.
We road in "the magic car", my convertible as she calls it, and listened to the Disney World and Disneyland monorail spiels, PeopleMover spiels, and Phineas & Ferb CDs: all her favorites. We went home, watched Lion King, had a pillow fight, shared a Wendy's Frosty, and then I spent time with Becky and Adam. We're supposed to have lunch together on Wed.
I know the people who love giving talks about "you're miserable only if you think you are" will say I shouldn't be sad to lose them, but give thanks I had them in my life at all. I hate it when people say things like that.
All good things.
I had two -- eye openers or milestones. I was talking to John about my mom; we're getting close to the 2nd anniversary of losing her. I thought out loud about if it was possible to go back in time, what I'd say to my mom and dad before they got married. Then I joked that maybe I'd just go find John at 19 and jump his bones. He answered, why would he at 19 want a woman of my age.
My age has been really surreal the last few years. It doesn't feel connected to me at all; it's like if I said I was 98. It's just nothing to do with me. But when I thought about what John said and took a look at myself in the mirror, really looked at myself, I realized he's right. I'm nothing for the young; I got caught up into being another middle aged woman who can't face what she is and tries to be what's she not.
Today, I was going to clean and start getting ready for the vacation, maybe put a few shirts into the camper. (I'm also now trying to figure out if the clothes are packed are too young. I'm glad I didn't get new shorts after all.) I got a call from my friend Becky. I knew they were moving to Texas and I hate the thought of not seeing them. Well, here they're moving in a couple days! My only chance to really spend time with little Sophia again was today.
I'm so upset. I love that kid. She's made me her "Auntie Erin" and I really looked forward to watching her grow up. I've known her since she was a few weeks old when she was getting over colic and I rocked her to sleep, humming the lullaby my family sang to me, and whispering to her. Now I won't see her grow up, maybe not see her face light up when she sees me or watch her run to me with arms outstretched calling my name.Of course we say we'll get together again. I hope we will, but I remember great friends of my parents who were like an aunt and uncle to me: Uncle Paul and Aunt Kittie. Wonderful people; everyone said they'd stay close when we moved to South Jersey. I haven't seen them since I was 7 or 8. So...
So Sophia and I went to the movies, then to Build a Bear where I got her a zsu-zsu pet, a hamster. I gave her change to throw into the fountain and make wishes, and she asked me could we do this again the next time we came there. She forgot that she was moving. I choked up a few times, but didn't let her see it.
We road in "the magic car", my convertible as she calls it, and listened to the Disney World and Disneyland monorail spiels, PeopleMover spiels, and Phineas & Ferb CDs: all her favorites. We went home, watched Lion King, had a pillow fight, shared a Wendy's Frosty, and then I spent time with Becky and Adam. We're supposed to have lunch together on Wed.I know the people who love giving talks about "you're miserable only if you think you are" will say I shouldn't be sad to lose them, but give thanks I had them in my life at all. I hate it when people say things like that.
